Brenda Drake’s First 250 Words Contest — you in?
Brenda Drake's first-250 contest
The following 252 words are the first … ’250 words’ (to end of sentence) … of After Dark. I’ve been instructed, by my fabuloso writer buddy Claire Gillian, to post these here so others may weigh in with their opinions.
Once those opinions have been provided, I shall tweak and submit back to Brenda for her contest (along with the 100+ others already involved!). All the rules and such are online in Brenda’s blog … should YOU want to participate.
Now … on to those words! (comments may/should be offered in the comments section of this post).
After Dark
Chapter 1
Balanced on top of Samuel L. Wilson, someone’s ‘beloved father and son resting in peace’, should have given me the solitude I craved. Good ole ‘Sam’ decomposed underneath the largest oak in Primrose Cemetery, just not far enough away from civilization.
Endless screams of ‘Trick ‘o’ Treat’, doorbell rings and slaps of feet against pavement reached me. Leaves swirled with each blast of wind, whipping debris between Sam and his neighbor of thirteen decades, Dan. A new flare-up, ruffled the corners of my sketchpad.
An owl hooted.
More dings filled the air.
A dog yipped.
I covered my ears with my hands, as if that would block the sounds, but the papers started a slow slide down my lap. Another gust pushed them to my knees, flung hair against my cheeks and sent my pencils tumbling.
“Come on already! I’m workin’ here.”
A swipe of my hand brought the drawing tools back up. I yanked my hair into a tail, twisted the strands around a Cerulean blue and stabbed random colors into the knot for safe keeping.
The pointy end of something way larger than a pencil pierced my neck.
I straightened with one intake of breath, dropping the yellow, number-two from my lips. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” My hand reached toward the uninvited object.
It pressed deeper into my flesh.
“Oh, no, Mackenzie. In this game, I have already won.” His deep bass resonated with confidence.
He wouldn’t see my smile. “I’d think twice about that.”
And, there you go. Comment away! 
First off, I love the last two lines….got my skin bumping!
I didn’t like the opening line. I had to go back and read it a couple of times. It was a bit wordy. Same with the ‘Sing song’ line. I guess even in the beginning I would have liked her perception of the leaves blowing around her, not just that they were…if you know what I mean. I wanted to climb a bit more inside her right from the beginning. It’s a good piece. I thought it just needed to be tightened up a bit.
Also, I think I’d get specific with the ‘utensils’. Maybe utensils not the right word?
I hope I’m helping.
Good luck.
Thanks, Linda.
Interestingly, that IS tightened. 
That 250 words was almost 500 words of descriptive blowingness which I realized didn’t get me to the big ‘uh oh’ for 2 pages worth of words. 
Sorry, you didn’t like he opening. 
You already know my thoughts. Enter away
Thanks!!
You already know my thoughts, too.
I just have one more – It pressed deep against my skin. If it’s already pierced her skin, maybe it should be – It pressed deeper into my skin/flesh?
Good luck! Thanks for the link.
Thank you, Jo!
Hi Emi!
I hate to say this but I liked the version I read the other day better. Go figure.
I felt this opening line was missing a word or two.
As to ‘voice’ of the MC, I’m not hearing it in this cut, which keeps me from seeing Mac. You know how I feel about the rest of what I read and would gladly read more. I just think with this version, you sacrificed some of yourself as a writer. This is just my opinion and if you’re happy with it, then in the end, that’s all that matters.
I wish you all the luck with this! Hope all is going along swimmingly with the other news in your life. Very exciting stuff!!! I’m so stoked for you.
Thanks, Jen! And I don’t disagree with you. But I do see the value in getting to the clincher line faster, so some of Mac’s snottiness comes back RIGHT after word 250.
Wonderful start. The only place I didn’t follow the action, at first:
I yanked my hair into a tail, twisted the strands around a Cerulean blue and stabbed random colors into the knot for safe keeping.
After reading again, I decided you must be talking about colored pencils. Correct?
If you have a chance, I’m at #130 on the blogfest roster, or at:
http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/backstage-pass-a-bit-off-track/
Good luck!
Hi! Thanks and yes, those are the colored pencils.
I like this a lot. There is some initial conflict, and I’m curious as to why she isn’t more annoyed about the intruder. You made it fairly clear in the beginning that she doesn’t want to be disturbed. I’d read more to find out. Also, the language flows smoothly. Good luck with it.
Thanks, Katharina!